I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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