We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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