so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
