I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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