You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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