Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
false alarm. still invincible.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
