You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
