woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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