Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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