I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
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