Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
ttyl tear gas
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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