it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
A+ Viking dick
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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