Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
So. Much. Porn.
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