My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
