i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
