1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
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