Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
