The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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