that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
