I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
