Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
