I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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