I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
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We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
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Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
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