Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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