Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I think your dad took our porno
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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