the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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