did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I miss vodka workout Fridays
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
