Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
