dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
