y did u give ur computer a hand job?
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
