nutella sex= disaster
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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