How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
