I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
