ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
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i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
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The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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