I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
