I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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