I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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