I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
