Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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