found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
