I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
