im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
