i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
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I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
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what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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