I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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