it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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