cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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