cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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