Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i think i have herpe
just one?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
