she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
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He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
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You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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