meet me or not, i'm out of control
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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