i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
