I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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