My pussy is not your playground.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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