You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
