did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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