trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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