Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Non-Jews are for practice
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
